Friday, March 18, 2005

I read the news today, oh boy...

Originally posted by The Realist

As mentioned previously, I am here to explain why you are wrong. So, here are some of today's issues on which you are incorrect.

1. A white girl who has been sent home for wearing a 'black' haircut. This is a non-story. It will be rectified by the Council before the end of this sunny day. She will be allowed to stay at school. End of.

2. Accusations that the awarding of military honours has been timed to boost Labour's popularity. Nonsense. End of.

3. This was a bad budget. Wrong. Help for first time buyers, windfall tax on oil companies, help for the poorest in society. This isn't going to make me better off, but that's not what it's all about. I laughed at Letwin's riposte - didn't land a punch - not one. Tory strategists are weeping. Like it or not, Labour will win the election, Brown will take over towards the end of the next term and will go on to ensure that Labour stay in power for longer than Thatcher and Major combined. End of.

4. Gays shouldn't be allowed to marry. Wrong again. Civil arrangements must be allowed for the sake of equality and to allow certain (dull but important) legal rights to be available to all. Against this as a concept? I don't care - you're wrong. Thirty years from now this will be looked back on and people will wonder if your views were a joke. I know where the 'Christ's-ones' amongst you are coming at with this - you want to heal gays. Again, your faith-only-based views will be looked back on as the tragic and hideous notions they are, just as mercury and electric shock treatment on gays in the 50s are remembered. The absolute truth in one sentence? OK. It's nothing to do with you, it's not going to bring about the downfall of society and the world IS round so accept that it is going to be allowed and shut the fuck up.

5. A downturn in high-street sales continues and this is will result in job losses. Good. There is nothing more offensive to my being than the continuing existence of shop staff. In 1997, I did the whole of my son's Christmas shopping in one hour on the internet. I was then able to stroll around smugly for TWO months while the muppets around me went shopping to buy Muppets from muppets for their little muppets. I vowed never to enter a toy shop again. Look, everything is available online, so there is no need for the wretched dregs of provincial humanity to insist on ‘helping me’ in a shop. Bank queues and bank staff? Oh, I don't think so. Not any more, you gainers of three GCSEs (preferably grade C or above). The sooner that the world outside consists entirely of internet delivery vans the better. I want to go to sleep at night safe in the knowledge that the people losing their jobs in the great high street exodus are working through the night packing my online orders in fluorescently-lit, sterility-inducing warehouses.

‘Can I help you Sir, innit?’

‘No young man, but I think I’ve found a solution which can help us all!’

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

tt

Anonymous said...

This constant need to prove yourself right leads me to think you must have a very small penis...

Citizen Sane said...

Oh come on "anonymous". Is that the best you can do? If you're going to make a comment at least make us laugh. Hauling up tired old cliches about penis size isn't very original is it?

Ms Jones said...

I don't know. If it works for Lily Savage...

aka k said...

5. .... they can all go and retrain as van drivers and garage attendants then :)

Anonymous said...

Just some thoughts in relation to TR's comments ...

#1 - The girl should be grateful her headteacher told her to take her braids out. She looked fucking awful...

#3 - Bad budget? Good budget? I'll still be fucking poor.

#4 - Must be mad to want to get fucking married in the first place.

#5 - 'Can I help you Sir, innit?'

'Learn to speak proper english and I might consider it.'