Friday, September 30, 2005

Cigarettes and Alcohol

Originally posted by The Realist

Oh yes, I have fond, childhood memories of seeing Ken Clarke as chancellor. Pledging not to raise tax on spirits and raising his whisky glass to wild applause. Oh yes, I remember his raincoat, his cheeky face, his wife’s ‘challenged’ appearance, his two-fingers up at the anti-smoking lobby, his waiting-in-the-wings-and-smirking at the astonishingly flawed Pitt The Younger, IDS et al.

Watching. Watching. Waiting. Waiting and then: "Ta da!!! Yes, yes, yes. Fear not. Here I am! The solution to the problems of British Democracy!!!"

All fun and games, but complete nonsense of course. This is his third and final attempt to gain the right to lose the next election. His previous efforts were scuppered by the xenophobic rank and file, just as the homophobic rank and file scuppered Snr Portillo and, despite his spine-shattering u-turn on (what I understand he now calls) ‘filthy foreign mainlanders’, retired Colonels will simply not plump for him. I recently bugged the association meeting of the Somerset Conservatives in the Churchill Community Centre in Taunton. The following verbatim report highlights much of what I am referring to.

Colonel White: That Sir Malcolm Rifkind is a nice chap. The Queen knighted him, for goshness sake!

Grandpa Oats: At least he hasn’t committed unspeakable beastliness like that Spaniard, isn’t in bed with the Germans like that ugly-wifed Northerner and can bear unbroken children unlike that… that… that… Metrosexual!

Mavis White: Agreed that we go with the nice family man?

All: Agreed! Rah rah rah!

Colonel: Gentlemen! The Queen!

All: The Queen!

{descends into drunken morris dancing, then incest}


Anonymous said...

Er... would that be why a recent poll has put Clarke with the highest support among the membership, and why almost every commentator has stated that the rejection of the new voting rules is thus good news for Clarke?

May just be that Conservatives are, at last, willing to swallow their pride and vote for the candidate most likely to win (or at least gain the most seats).

Methinks you should get yor facts straight Realist!


The Realist said...

Dear Bar… Sorry, Dear DA. As someone who recently circulated pictures of a Conservative Association’s day out as an a amusing example of how awful these people are, you know exactly where I’m coming from. You were actually pivotal in inspiring this blog! Anyway, I was talking about Somerset, not the entire country. Perhaps I touched a nerve hitting on an anti South West vibe...?

The Conservatives could have swallowed their pride and voted for Portillo (the then most likely candidate to win) but they couldn’t swallow his cock-gobbling.

So they demanded Ian-Duncan Smith.

Anonymous said...

I want to see the photos!!!

Citizen Sane said...

In any case, it ain't over until the fat bloke is selected.

I would also like to see these photographs.

Anonymous said...

... and they found out, much to their dismay, what happened when they did a stupid thing like that.

Yes, there are some absolutely ridiculous Tory local association mentalists out there (you should see the Lib Dem ones!), but there are - dare I say it - a few sane ones too, who would much rather hold some proper power for a change.

Anyway, our very own Oscar Wilde, who's your preferred candidate?!

I, too, wish to see the Portillo snaps.


Anonymous said...

Sorry, misread. I thought there was photographic evidence of Portilo's cock-gobbling (in the Cambridge official archives most probably!).

Er... I don't think I have them anymore...